Domestic violence: Male victims of domestic violence don't often speak out, leading to tragedy

PHILADELPHIA - Men are more often thought to be the perpetrators of domestic violence against women, but men are the victims of domestic violence, as well. Too often, they feel isolated in situations without proper resources, options or choices for them to get help.

THE TRAGEDY

Thomas Blackwell recalls a Facetime call with his 20-year-old son, Charles Blackwell II. A conversation he says began with laughter, but took an abrupt dark turn.

"The conversation was great. He was letting me see my grandkids," Thomas said. "He just broke down crying and was like, ‘Dad, you know I can’t leave my kids here.’"

One out of every nine suffer with domestic abuse, while other statistics show one out of every four men.

Thomas says he told his son to bring the kids with him and he’d help him work things out. The conversation shifted and they began to laugh a little again. But, then the phone died.

"And what hurts so much is that was the last time I talked to my son," Thomas choked on tears.

Thomas and Sajda, Charles’ stepmother, were out of town November 16th of last year when they got the phone call letting them know Charles had been stabbed. "My son Caron called me and told me that my son Charles was in emergency surgery and that he had just been stabbed by his children’s mother. It didn’t hit me right away that my son was in danger of losing his life."

Charles died.

The 23-year-old mother of his two children and another from her previous relationship he was helping raise was arrested and charged with aggravated manslaughter.

Thomas says his son was the victim of domestic violence. "My son had been expressing his feelings about leaving the relationship, about never being able to move forward, his things being destroyed, his communication being cut off, threats of being taken to court so that he wouldn’t be able to see his children. These are all things he would tell me. And, of course, I’d encourage like, ‘Why are you? You’ve never gone through anything like this, you’ve never seen your father or your mother abused in this way. Why stay?’"

Charles was from Philadelphia, but living in Pennsauken, New Jersey with his girlfriend and the children. The Camden County Prosecutor’s Office would not comment on the case, but Charles’ family says he would vaguely talk about his volatile relationship. They believe he didn’t know how to fully comment on it and, as a young man, was embarrassed by it.

"I was already afraid for my son. Cuts, bruises on his head," Thomas explained. "My son was not the child to disappear on his parents or family so, if you didn’t hear from him for periods of times, you knew something was going on. We reached out, he would always ask me to come to his home, but when we were ready to come to his home it was never a good time."

HELP IS AVAILABLE

There are resources for those facing domestic abuse. Hiding in plain sight on a bustling block of Frankford Avenue in Fishtown is the non-profit Lutheran Settlement House. It provides a number of services for underserved children, adults and families.

Zack Mackey works at Lutheran Settlement House. "I'm helping people get their lives back on track, building a relationship with people and just helping people gain access to resources."

Mackey is an advocate and counselor. He works for its domestic violence program, helping male victims. "I have clients that are in high need of services. So that could mean that their abuser has called them or traced them. Sometimes they are emotionally distressed."

He explains men often don’t reach out the way female victims of domestic violence do, "Some of their fears are that they won't be believed or they'll be made fun of. Some other fears are that they will be ridiculed. Sometimes they're scared of retaliation from their partners' families."

And, sadly, most men grow up and live with the pressure of the image of what a man should be. "Our society paints men as supposed to be tough, macho. Toxic masculinity has a lot to do with it. We're socialized as men to be tough and not be soft. I've had to tell some male clients that you're human first and foremost before anything. You're human. It's natural to cry, it's natural to be upset. And the stigma around, and embarrassment of saying that you're in this type of situation, it takes a lot."

At Lutheran Settlement House, men learn they are not alone, despite the myth that only women can be victims of domestic violence.

"One out of every nine men have been victims of domestic violence. Some statistics even say one out of every four men have been a victim of some sort of domestic violence," Mackey stated. "You have emotional abuse, mental abuse, financial abuse. Where the abuser would try to guilt them into money, telling them they're not doing enough, telling them they need to do more, why don't you have more, you need to keep working, you need to give me your debit card. I manage the money. You make the money, I manage the money."

Some men will stay in a situation because they have children, which could also lead to manipulation as a form of abuse. "You see that a lot with men when they are good fathers and then the other party takes them to child support court or custody court and they use the kids as a pawn, which is a shame because it's the kids who suffer."

Mackey says there is a lot of work to be done to prevent this type of tragedy. "I think we need to help break down the stigmatism first and foremost. That it's ok to ask for help if you're in a tough situation or toxic situation. Secondly, educate people on how to be supportive to victims of domestic violence."

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

People attempting to leave unsafe relationships can find help:

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-888-799-SAFE (7233)

Information about Lutheran Settlement House can be found at their website.

Click here to find resources for victims of violence in Philadelphia.